Journal entry.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

For everything there is a season,
    a time for every activity under heaven.
² A time to be born and a time to die.
    A time to plant and a time to harvest.
³ A time to kill and a time to heal.
    A time to tear down and a time to build up.
⁴ A time to cry and a time to laugh.
    A time to grieve and a time to dance.
⁵ A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones.
    A time to embrace and a time to turn away.
⁶ A time to search and a time to quit searching.
    A time to keep and a time to throw away.
⁷ A time to tear and a time to mend.
    A time to be quiet and a time to speak.
⁸ A time to love and a time to hate.
    A time for war and a time for peace.

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I’ve never been more thankful for all these times in life. Each one brings a unique growth of their own. And without both the good and bad I wouldn’t learn to appreciate either. The tears make me that much more thankful for the laughter and the memories of laughter carries me through the tears. All of these are a gift from God. A gift I hope I always choose to embrace, good or bad. So that through every circumstance I might grow to be more like Jesus everyday.

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This has been a time of harvest for me personally. I’ve been writing more than ever, God even gave me a new book idea. Which I’m very excited about but also quite nervous because it’s definitely a controversial topic. (I don’t know why I’m surprised by that one, Jesus always talked about controversial things.) I’m discovering a lot about myself and really just growing in general. But this all truly started when I surrendered everything to God a week ago. (Boy, does He move quickly.)  I laid down all my hopes and dreams of what my life might look like. I laid down all my desires and ultimately my will for His. We swapped plans I suppose you could say. And when I did that I felt as if I could feel Him say, “Now we can truly get started.” I have absolutely no clue as to what my life will look like, I have no plan other than taking each day as it comes. But I know my Shepherd, He is good and has never been unfaithful to me before. And I don’t follow Him out of shame or guilt, but out of love. He came to me when I was lost and dirty. He didn’t chastise me. He cleaned me, embraced me and took me under His wing. He wants to do the same for you too. Our part is simply to surrender to it.

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Through all of it.

As I was driving home the other day, going through valley’s and climbing up mountains. It was as if God took me through the course of my life. The ups and the downs, highs and lows, the joys and regrets. At one point the sense of regret hit me so strongly that my eyes welled up with tears and the only words I could think were, “I’m sorry, God. I’m so sorry.” The weight of choices I had made that I wished I didn’t and choices I didn’t make that I wish I had, piled up on my heart. He was taking me through the darkest time in my life all over again. It was in those moments that Jesus’ sacrifice began to overtake my heart. The whole time I was doing what I wanted, I thought I was free. Turns out, I was a captive. Jesus though, He showed me true freedom, from the sin that enslaved me for so long. From the sin that brought me so much emptiness. I couldn’t escape it on my own. I couldn’t even let go of the regret without Him. But, because of Him, I am a new creation. Complete and whole in Him.

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As I started up a new mountain and glanced in the rear-view mirror, the tears started fresh as He showed me that through all of that, He never left. Never turned away from my brokenness. Even crazier than that, the whole time He was leading me straight to Himself. His love poured out over me. Love that I don’t deserve, love that I shouldn’t even be able to look at. He gives it to me. His love is one that you can’t describe, but you know exactly what I’m taking about if you’ve experienced it. If you haven’t, He sure wants you to. Don’t let regret or shame hold you back. It doesn’t make Him turn away from you, He’s not scared or disgusted with your mistakes. He wants to take all that from you and give you His peace and freedom. You just have to go to Him and let Him. No matter what anybody has told you, God loves you more than you could ever imagine. Jesus came not for the religious and self-righteous aka the “good” people, but for the sinners, to call them to repentance-(to change your mind and turn to Him), and give them hope, abundant life and true freedom.

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When I got to the “homestretch”, He showed me the point where I had taken hold of His hand. I had gotten past the odd fog covering the mountains, and there was a peace and calm in the air, the sun was just setting and you could see the city in the distance. I realized, I don’t know the conditions of the road up ahead or where it’ll lead me. But, I know The Maker and He’s my guide. If I make a wrong turn, He’ll lead me back. If I miss a turn, well, He seems to be a fan of detours (adventures) anyway. 😉

Put down your stones.

John 8:1-11

“¹  but Jesus went to the Mount of Olives.

² At dawn he appeared again in the temple courts, where all the people gathered around him, and he sat down to teach them. ³ The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group ⁴ and said to Jesus, “Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. ⁵ In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?” ⁶ They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing him.

But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger. ⁷ When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, “Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.” ⁸ Again he stooped down and wrote on the ground.

⁹ At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones first, until only Jesus was left, with the woman still standing there. ¹⁰ Jesus straightened up and asked her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?”

¹¹ “No one, sir,” she said.

“Then neither do I condemn you,” Jesus declared. “Go now and leave your life of sin.”

When did we pick up our stones again?

All I’ve seen this last week is so many fellow Christians throwing stones, either at Bruce Jenner or Josh Duggar. Don’t we realize that when we throw stones with the sole purpose of condemning them, it really only condemns us. All sin is against God, we’ve all broken God’s law to the same degree, the cost of every sin is death (Romans 6:23).. That is why we need the Cross, that’s why Jesus’ sacrifice was essential. Because sin is evil and ugly and there was no way we could possibly redeem ourselves.

When we realize the cost, the weight of our own sin, suddenly it puts a whole lot of things into prospective. Now, before you jump on me, I am not saying what either of those two men listed above did was right. I’ll let this quote from Billy Graham wrap up what I’m trying to say.. “It is the Holy Spirit’s job to convict, God’s job to judge, and my job to love.”

So please, put down your stones. Jesus would say the same thing to both those men as He did the adulteress woman.. “Then neither do I condemn you, Go and leave your life of sin.” It’s up to them to either continue in their sin or turn to Jesus. For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord. We need to point people to Jesus, the only One who can save them and us from sin. We’re not better than them, we ALL need Jesus, that’s the whole point.

Romans 13:8-10″

⁸ Owe no one anything, except to love each other, for the one who loves another has fulfilled the law. ⁹ For the commandments, “You shall not commit adultery, You shall not murder, You shall not steal, You shall not covet,” and any other commandment, are summed up in this word: “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” ¹⁰ Love does no wrong to a neighbor; therefore love is the fulfilling of the law.”

When we truly love people, we point them toward Christ. Because He is the Way, the Truth, and the Life. He sets free, He redeems.

It doesn’t mean we don’t speak the Truth, but we speak it with love, not stones.

Do you love Jesus?

Want to love Jesus more? Keep His commandments. Want to have a deeper relationship with Jesus? Keep His commandments. For when we seek with all our heart’s we will find Him. He’s not hiding from you, He’s not far off, He’s knocking on the door of your heart, you just have to let Him in, really let Him in. Not half way, but fully. Let go and let the door swing wide open and invite Him in, He’ll never leave you. He wants to bring us so much deeper in our relationship with Him than we are now, it’s like we’re scared to offer Him everything. He is everything, He made everything, has everything, but yet, seeks our heart’s still. What crazy love. Did you know He even sings over us? Has there ever been a song that made you think of someone you loved and you would sing it with all your heart and with a smile on your face? That’s what He does with us. He is so filled with love and joy when He thinks of us. How can we respond in any way other than giving Him everything? When we start to realize just how loved we really are by Him any fear we have of giving it all to Him can only flee. Go and read Jesus’ words as if it were for the first time, without anyone’s opinion on what He’s saying in your head. He loves you with an all-consuming, everlasting, crazy love.

Jesus sets free.

I was sitting with my mom last night playing this game on my phone called, “Trivia crack.” If you haven’t heard of it basically you spin a wheel and depending on what category it lands on then you answer a question, my category was entertainment and the question was, “In Aladdin what was the Genie’s only wish?” and it had four different choices, 1, to undo a mistake. 2, have a friend. 3, to find true love. and 4, to be free. Now if you aren’t familiar with Aladdin, all the Genie (Who is voiced by Robin Williams) wanted was to be free. It was yet another light bulb moment for me, I turned to my mom, showed her the question and said, “All Robin Williams wanted was to be free, and that’s what Jesus does, He sets us free.”

That’s the hope we have. We’re no longer slaves to sin and this world, we’re free. And I think if we really allowed that truth to sink deep into our hearts it would flow back out of our hearts and mouths a lot more often. What would have happened if someone had shared the Truth with Robin Williams, maybe he wouldn’t have accepted it, maybe he would have. Maybe he did even, only God knows. But it’s not our responsibility on how people respond, our only responsibility is that we tell them. We have the answer, we just have to be willing to share it. Love does no wrong to his neighbor, so if we really loved them, we would show them The One who died and lives so they, we, could be free. The One who loves and heals and works in ways we cannot fathom. The God who woo’s us back to Him again and again, who created all this for us. We would show them a glimpse of God’s crazy love. For while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. (Romans 5:8)

Be a light for Him. This world needs light now more than ever.

The Lord is my shepherd.

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. (Psalm 23:1)

Such simple words, but God used them to show me, with Him I have no need to want anything. As Max Lucado put it, “David has found the pasture where discontent goes to die. It’s as if he is saying, what I have in God is greater than what I don’t have in life.” It’s so easy to look at what we don’t have instead of remembering what we do have. You see, when we remember who He is, then we can remember what we have. When we say, Lord, You are my shepherd, You’re not only all I need but You’re all I want, then we too can find the pasture where discontent is laid to rest. Where we find, He is so much more than we ever imagined.

These past few weeks He’s really shown me that He’s my provider, He can and will take care of me. He doesn’t stop the storms, He guides me through them. He doesn’t clear the uncertainties right away, He shows me I can trust Him with them, because to Him, nothing is uncertain. He also told me, rather bluntly, that my heart belongs to Him first and foremost, He doesn’t share the top spot. He really asks for all or nothing. And it’s in the surrender we find freedom. We find that life is a beautiful gift to be enjoyed with Him. We find that The Lord is our shepherd and we shall not be wanting.

Keep making me.

Man, can this walk with God feel a lot less like a walk and a whole lot more like a roller coaster ride at times. He takes you through twists and turns and there are moments where you can’t even tell which way is up. And boy, does Satan come at you in those moments, “You put your trust in God and this is what He gives you?!” “Isn’t He supposed to love you?! Why would He let you down like this?!” But the truth is, God is ALWAYS looking out for our good, even if it may not FEEL good. God has a plan and a purpose for our lives and a lot of times it might not be what we hoped for but it’s always what’s best for us. He gives and He takes away, but His promise to us is always the same, I will be with you, smiling with you in the ups and crying with you in the downs, you need not fear.

But I feel like this song says more than I possibly could. It’s my prayer.. Give it a listen.

The journey of letting go..

Letting go. The two words I absolutely dread to hear, especially when the full weight of them actually hits me. Just the thought of letting go makes me feel like I’m sinking and I haven’t even stepped out of the boat yet, I haven’t even loosened my grip. How embarrassing it is to admit the tiny amount of trust, of faith that I truly have. But it’s the truth.
I feel God consistently calling, calling for my dreams, my fears, my hopes, and I consistently resist. But He keeps patiently, lovingly calling. Unfazed by my terror of “what ifs”, He simply reaches out to my little boat once more, asking me to keep my focus on Him and not the waves of doubts. The funny thing is, the closer He reaches the smaller those waves become.

What a silly thing to hold onto, fear. But my heart holds it tight, as if it were the very thing keeping it alive, when really, it’s suffocating it to death. Spreading it’s disease throughout my body, until it’s voice is the only one I hear, the default I immediately go to. But there is a remedy, “Perfect love drives out fear.” God’s perfect love drives out fear. The catch is letting that love (God) in. It’s letting go. As many times as it takes. Because holding on is killing us, we can’t do this anymore, this worrying nonstop that the worse case scenario is going to happen. And maybe it will, but this worrying isn’t going to change it. It’ll only make us wish we had enjoyed all the moments we instead spent in fear. Fear is one of Satan’s biggest tools and he’s nothing but a liar. Let it go with me, in every moment that voice chooses to speak, silence it and purposely tune in God’s voice, even if in the beginning you have to speak His promises to yourself. Allow His perfect love to drive the fear out.

I just started this journey myself, about a week ago. Letting His love drive out the fear layer by layer (and boy, is there a lot of them), but as each layer has been peeled back, the closer God and I became. With each step on the water we take, He proves His faithfulness again and again. It was so much easier to stay in my little boat, just me and God. But He’s shown me, there’s no life there. You can’t experience life’s beauty without also experiencing it’s hurts. You can’t grow with God if you stay in the boat, because He’s not in the boat. He’s where the life is. I think that’s one of the reasons Jesus called Peter out of the boat, to show us, the abundant life He was talking about is with Him, out on the waters. Outside all of our comfort zones. Yeah, we could get by in our boats, but we’d be missing it, missing life, missing a closeness with Him that we wouldn’t know otherwise. Because there’s a secret in the letting go.. “He who loses his life, finds it.”

A few thoughts on marriage and being single.

Let me just start this off by saying, I’m a complete amateur in this subject, I am as single as you could possibly get. These are simply my inexperienced thoughts on the matter, and some things I have noticed after a lot of observing, and some insight from God. So, without further ado here’s my jumbled thoughts..

I think all of us women have at a certain point had this dream in our minds of this perfect fairy-tale marriage, when in reality it’s two broken people being brought together as one, which means a lot of fights and sacrifice (which lets be honest, who wants to sacrifice anything?!) Especially when it comes to what we feel we need or deserve. But it’s not about us. We spend so much time tearing each other down when we’re meant to be building each other up. We’re meant to be a team, to be one, and when we tear the other down we’re really only tearing ourselves down. There’s always going to be problems and hurts, we’re only human after all, but if we put as much time and energy into loving and caring for each other as we did fighting against one another then maybe we’d get somewhere. We are called, in humility, to put others and their needs above our own (and yes that includes our spouse), and I think that means doing the things you wish they would do for you without expectations, without expecting acknowledgement for it even. We don’t get our fairy-tale marriage because in that version it’s all about us and life was never meant to be all about us..

Now, for all my fellow singles out there.. I know you’ve all heard this a thousand times, but NEVER settle!! If you have a few non-negotiable characteristics that your spouse must have, for example one of mine is, he has to lead me closer to God, if he leads me away from God then it’s a no go. Don’t ever settle for someone who doesn’t have the mandatory characteristics you’re looking for. And with that, if you’re looking for certain characteristics in a spouse it’s very likely that when you find that person they’re looking for the same things, so spend this time when it’s just you and God well. It’s like the saying, “Be the friend you’d want to have.” Well be the spouse you’d want to have! And don’t despise this time, use it well and enjoy it, because things are as simple now as they ever will be.

Hold strong to what you know (the Truth) and don’t settle, ever.
With love,
-Your sister in Christ.

P.S. For any relationship the most important thing is having Christ as the center, as the foundation. Because if you have Him at the center then the closer you grow to God, the closer you grow together. There’s so much more I could say on this subject but these are just my main thoughts and if I add all the other things then it’ll go on way too much!

For all the searchers.

To all the young searchers in the Church,
This is for all of you who are still searching for the meaning of life and it’s so easy to try all these different paths when they all tell “this will fulfill you”, “this is why you are here!” But as someone who has tried them all and was left with nothing but emptiness, I beg you not to make the same mistakes I did.
I know the longing to fit it, to be cool, and to be mocked because some kids view you as naive and innocent simply because you don’t cuss, don’t make the same jokes they do (or heck don’t even know what their jokes mean) or haven’t kissed anybody, or heaven forbid haven’t seen an R rated movie. And I remember how much I utterly loathed the feeling I got from that, and I knew in that moment I had a big decision to make. Don’t make the same mistake I did, don’t change for them. It’s not even close to being worth it, please trust me on this. Partying, being “cool” is so overrated, and honestly, none of that makes you “cool” it makes you a fool. The feeling of being “included” lasts but a short while and then you’re only left with regret. All those so-called “friends” are gone now but God, well, He never left. So choose Him and I PROMISE you, you’ll never regret it.

Also be careful, because this world is tricky, it’ll entice you with every pleasure it can think of, every distraction it has. We have to build a solid foundation in Christ, you guys know the story of the wise and foolish builders..
Matthew 7:24-27 “Everyone then who hears these words of mine and does them will be like a wise man who built his house on the rock. And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house, but it did not fall, because it had been founded on the rock. And everyone who hears these words of mine and does not do them will be like a foolish man who built his house on the sand. And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell, and great was the fall of it.”
I have a confession to make.. I was the foolish builder, I heard His words but I traded them in for sin, for “pleasure”, I did what I wanted when I wanted, I had everything I thought that I wanted, everything that the world said would bring “fulfillment” and “happiness” but it held nothing but emptiness.. I was angry at God, I did whatever I could to cover up the hurt, but it all only left me even more empty than before. What was left when I hit rock bottom was a broken shell of a person. And then, Jesus came, He picked me up, washed me white as snow and made all things new, He made beauty from the ashes. This is why I’m writing this, if this changes but 1 person’s path, 1 person’s heart, then it was all worth it. And I now know why I’m here, to tell people about Him, to love God and love people.

So please, let us be wise builders, let us be deeply rooted in Christ. You can’t go wrong with Him. He is the way, the truth, and the life. The world only offers temporary, Jesus offers eternal. It’s hard, so hard, but so worth it. Don’t let people or things lead you astray, nor trade in eternal for temporary, neither is ever worth it.

Sincerely,
A sister in Christ who loves you enough to tell you the truth.

P.S. Satan will do anything to lead you away from the truth. Don’t fall for it, don’t let him win your soul.

P.S.S. (Last one, promise.)
Even after all this time, I’m still healing. So many mistakes. So many regrets. I’m just trying to spare you this pain. God is just trying to spare you this pain.

For those who have made the same mistakes that I have or different ones.. There’s no such thing as too far gone. Come back to Him, it’s never too late.. Come to Him and repent, He’ll make you white as snow.. He’ll make ALL things new. ❤